I’ve always joked that I’m a better ex-girlfriend than actual girlfriend. This is funny but not really ha-ha funny because it’s probably actually true. After my breakup with my Lobster (which was… uh…messy.) I realized that acting like some whacko desperate needy little thing didn’t make me desirable. It made me needy and repulsive. So after a lively chat with Caroline of So Caroline Says, we decided to put together dueling posts. She covered the topic: “a broken heart is not an excuse to pass go, collect $200, and be a huge pathetic freak of life” and I covered “how to pretend your heart isn’t broken even though it’s smashed into a million pieces like plates at a Greek wedding.” I say screw the usual breakup rituals. Step away from the stretchy pants, hand off that Ben n Jerry’s to the nearest homeless man you can find and get your dancing shoes on – you’re not going to impress anyone with those slippers on – OPA!:
- Cut Contact. Yesterday. I’m serious. You’re doing no one any favors by constantly texting, emailing, bbming, Facebooking, Tweeting or calling him – most notably yourself. If he said he didn’t want to be with you, take it at face value and walk away. Pretend he died. And his friends died too.
- For f*cks sake, get off the couch and stop wallowing. Really – it’s ridiculous. Do you know what he’s doing right now? Drinking with his friends. Why aren’t you doing that with your friends, hrm? Do you think he’s sitting at home watching Dr. Phil wondering what you’re doing right at this very moment and dissecting every conversation you two had in the past 6 months? He’s not. And you shouldn’t either.
- Shut. Up. Stop talking about it. The girl behind the counter at Baked by Melissa’s doesn’t care. The clerk at Forever21 doesn’t care. Your family and friends probably don’t really care either – they’re just humoring you, bless their hearts. Chances are everyone in your life thought he wasn’t good enough for you anyway (even if he was – that’s what friends are for, to think no one is ever good enough for you). If this compulsive need to talk about it continues, find a shrink – even if it’s just for a few months to work through the breakup – chances are they’ll give better, unbiased advice anyway (and this is something I’m very very serious about).
- Take some time. As annoying as it is, the only thing that really heals matters of the heart is in fact time. Take what time you need and grieve. Do NOT over-grieve. Cut the melodramatics – he was not the love of your life, he was the flavor of the week. Be sad but then get happy because baby, no man is ever worth that many tears.
- Fake it til you make it. Even if you are really broken inside, pretend that you’re not. Eventually your pretending will become reality and wouldn’t it be wonderful if you pretended that you were the happiest freakin person in the room? Plus, would you rather run into him when you look like a complete slobbery freakzoid or when you look like a million bucks?? Yea, that’s what I thought.
- Shopping sprees, please. Treat yourself to a few little things – maybe a manicure and a new pair of shoes. Something sweet to make you feel pretty – breakups can be a huge ego blow.
- Hang out with your guy friends. Guy friends are great at boosting your ego and reminding you that you’re surround by wonderful men who think you’re beautiful and most likely hated your ex any way. They’ll get you drunk and walk you home which is always nice.
- Hang out with your gal friends. They are the foil to your male friends – they’ll console you and just participate in silly girl talk about everything from the yummy Don Draper to a sale at Neiman’s and will take your mind off of your supposedly broken heart. Try not to turn girl-time into a complete therapy session though – nobody likes that girl that won’t STFU about some fellow she broke up with 6 months ago.
- Make out with a stranger. Or 6.Nothing makes you feel better faster post-breakup than a little flirtation. Even if you’re not ready to date or hang out with anyone else, a little eye-batting and drink-buying goes a long way.
- Get. Over. It. Apologies if that is harsh but I’m a firm believer in the idea that heart break is a frame of mind. You’ll no doubt have moments where you’ll be overtaken by memories and sadness but rest assured, this too shall pass. It’s ok to examine these emotions for a moment or two but don’t let them linger – they’re toxic to future romantic endeavors
What is your best way to get over a broken heart?
